2011 has come and gone.
Not quite the year I was hoping for. Last year at this time I was still adjusting to the change of living at home and working a job that was only 6 months new. I thought I had progressed quite a bit at the time and was looking forward to bigger changes in 2011.
Over the past few months I’ve realized how over my ex-husband I am. Perhaps there is still more healing to go on that, but I feel I’ve come to a really good place. It feels good knowing that I don’t allow him to hurt me anymore and I’ve accepted that all my unanswered questions will remain unanswered. I’m still at the same job and I feel I’ve hit a wall there. I still enjoy it, but I think I’m getting closer to the point of “it’s time to move on”. I feel it’s the best place to meet people though. If I move myself on and find another job in graphic design, I’ll spend my days alone or stuck in front of a computer all day with no social life, surrounded by happily married people. I’m in such a great place, emotionally, and I’m really ready to meet someone special but it hasn’t happened at all this year. The one time I felt anything special was with someone who probably wasn’t/isn’t interested.
How can I possibly get excited for the new year when the year I had big hopes for was a flippity flop?
I fell for you
At first sight I thought nothing more
When I looked again I saw you
Funny, cute, sensitive, inspiring
I tried to deny it
But my heart gave in
I fell for you
Unexpectantly, you walk past me
Butterflies flutter
Heart beats faster
I wish this feeling away
Or that you felt it too
Because I think I fell for you
The days go by
Your smile still irresistible
No matter how hard I try
You’d walk up behind me
And stand there
I die
This will go no where
I dare to believe
Choosing a path in which I can lead
Taking control
Making my destiny
Only to see the mistake I made
I only ever wanted you
When I bought into the words
The ones that people told
Only to realize they were old
I gave up on a fairy tale
As have so many others
Your eyes don’t watch me like they use to
I can’t help but to notice
They don’t wander around behind me
Or catch me across the room
Makes my heart tear
Because I fell for you
Update, half way through 2011
No real, “are you serious?!” type moments as of late and I’m definitely OK with that! I just want to enjoy my life a little, drama-free! 🙂
Be sure to check out my music blog: http://musicmenu.wordpress.com/
I’m at 10,000 views! It’s exciting to be able to share all my favorite music. I’ve also included some of my own covers since learning to play guitar, but please do not expect too much from those. I’m still learning and totally in love with my guitar, so I’m having a blast with it.
I’m still serving and looking for design work, but I’m enjoying being around people too much to focus full time on only finding design jobs. I fear walking back into that profession will lead me back down a path that I’ve already traveled. So, in the mean time, I’m taking it day-by-day, keeping my options open and enjoying my life as much as I possibly can.
I was talking with my friend the other day and she made me realize that I have also overcome a pretty huge accomplishment in the past couple months. I was telling her how I was completely over my ex and how good it felt, as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s nice to be able to breathe again. And now that I’m 30… haha! I need to have some fun, right?! 😉
The past follows you to the grave.
I wish I could completely remove myself from what was to a point that I wouldn’t even be able to recall.
Most of the time, I think I’m capable of separating myself from my past and other times I simply fall under the pressure. Perhaps I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, but I really want to be at point in my life where I feel stronger and more confident than I have ever felt. I’m getting there. Until then, I need to plow through life knowing that I’ll be fine in the end.
The other day I waited on a table that showed me what I was capable of. Yes, I freaked out a little…okay, maybe more than necessary. 🙂 It was mostly the surprise factor, being unprepared and probably blurting out some things that were completely stupid. In the end, I felt I handled myself well and I hope that I get another chance to show them that I am truly okay.
With the way things ended between my ex-husband and me, I really had no idea what was said or how even his parents really felt about the situation. Perhaps I shouldn’t even care? But the truth is, I did at the time and a part of me still wonders. They were like family to me and I lost them all. Seeing his family members at that table the other day brought all those insecurities back. But having had the time to think it over and realizing how long it’s been…so much has happened and so much has changed. Why do I still go back to those thoughts?
What if…
From the movie “Letters to Juliet”:
(If you have not yet seen this movie and want to, I’d recommend not reading.)
“Dear Claire,
“What” and “If” are two words as non threatening as words can be. But put them together, side-by-side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. “What If?” “What If?” “What If?” I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never to late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like; a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for. But I’d like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet”
And I’m…Free Fallin’
Perhaps, I should let go of the reins a little and see how it feels to wave my arms in the air. Experience the wind against my face and the warm sunlight on my skin. I may get burned, but at least I’d have lesson to learn and a story to tell. Timing is everything and I’ve been telling myself to take opportunities when they arise. And I do!
The only problem I may be having is taking on too much? 🙂
I was offered a temporary graphic design position which is awesome! But I have to maintain my other 2 jobs so that I can go back to them when I’m done. I’m working 3 jobs! Crazy me. 🙂 I’m trying to stay focused and make my way through so I won’t have a day off from now until this temp job is over. It makes me question, as always, what is it that I want to do with my life? I’m 29 years old and I still have no real solid life goals. All I know is, I’d love to have a family, I’m just not sure how I will get that. It’s a mystery and maybe it’s supposed to be that way. Maybe these things find a way of happening and just sneak up on you when you least expect it. Well, I’m certainly too busy now to expect anything like that!
What It Is
What is it, to miss?
The empty in your heart,
Or the thought of a kiss?
Depleted, falling apart,
For your return, I’ll wait,
The happily ever after part
Or playing out our fate.
What is it, to fear?
The ache that screams, run,
Or a heartbreak so sincere?
With curiosity, love will beckon,
And a moment of weakness, falling in.
The desire, so unclear,
But only to say, what would’ve been.
3/24/11
“I was enchanted to meet you…”
Ahh the age of 30 is fast approaching. I was chatting with a friend of mine today and we were discussing this very topic. She has been worrying about this for quite a while, but this time, I told her to stop focusing on 30 and start enjoying 29, or at least what is left of it.
For me, 30 doesn’t represent an age as much as it represents a milestone in one’s life. This asks you to question what you’ve accomplished in that time; of which I have felt I haven’t been living up to my own expectations. Someone at work asked me what specifically I haven’t yet accomplished and I completely avoided the question. I felt my answer of having a family or children was silly. It made me realize that I am on a completely different path than I had originally set out on and that I needed to find what I HAVE accomplished. So, here I go…All this, in the past 4 years:
1. I have learned (or am in the process of learning) to play guitar and it’s my most favorite thing!
2. I put a video on youtube of myself playing too which is totally crazy but something I only dreamed of doing because I never thought I’d have the guts to do it! ha!
3. I’ve gotten closer with my friends & family and I’m forever grateful for each of them in my life.
4. I have a job that I enjoy.
5. I’ve survived a divorce, the loss of a job and the loss/sale of a home and am stronger and more knowledgeable because of all of it 🙂
I’m sure there are more, but these are the biggest things. Of course, a family is something I still look forward to in my life but I am happy to know that I can look back at this time and finally see good coming from it. I was wondering when this day would come. 🙂 I hope it keeps coming!
I am in love with this Taylor Swift song called “Enchanted”, hence the title 🙂 But to also give relevance to the title, I am enchanted by the life I currently live. Interested, learning and questioning all the possibilities.
Good Eats — Good Treats
I feel much better about the path I’ve been on lately, though, I still feel like there are some mighty big pieces which are missing. My job has been going well, despite the fact that I hadn’t planned on staying here this long. But I’m actually happy and enjoying it. I’ve even been asked to become a trainer! I’ll meet my first trainee on Monday, muahahaha! Nah, it should be fun, and it’s nice to know that people have noticed me in a good way and feel I’d set a good example.
I also, finally, bought a guitar! I’m so excited. I’ve been wanting to learn to play and now I finally have that opportunity. Though, it will be even nicer when I can no longer feel my finger tips! 🙂 I hope I stick with it for a long time.
untitled
For a moment, I give up on us
And let go of our life as one.
In that moment, all our dreams are lost
And the world that I know is gone.
My heart is crying.
Our love is dying.
I’ll sit here, waiting, standing still
Hoping to be enough for your heart to fill.
10-27-10 (3-9-11 rev.)
Are you serious?! 